I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
