Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
