he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
