Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
