We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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