Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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