omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
