im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
