and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
