Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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