God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
