DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
