I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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