I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
