Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
