dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
