You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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