I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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