I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
