i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
