I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
