im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
