and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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