Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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