I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
