I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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