don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
