seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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