why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
