Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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