After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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