Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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