i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
