You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
