My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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