Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
