i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
