dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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