you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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