Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
