Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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