If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
