Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i love accidental penises.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
