I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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