I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
