honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
