I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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