I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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