i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
