he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
