I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
