apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
