I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
