More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
