I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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